


Beauty and the tiny beast

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Beauty and the Beast Fusion, Fíli is the Beauty, Kíli is the beast, M/M, Solarpunk AU, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli, and taken to Beauty's castle, but a whole lot smaller than in the original, lapdog sized, naturally
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: “A Chihuahua. Kíli was besides himself. He could not believe that the barmy wizard, who moonlighted as his godfather, had turned him into a Chihuahua. Clearly, if he was to be turned into any sort of animal, it would be a wolf. Not a bloody chihuahua.”Fíli is clearly too manly to have a chihuhua as pet but unfortunately, his godmother likes to meddle as much as Kíli's godfather.





	1. Angry old man

**Author's Note:**

> this took us a teeny bit longer to finish than anticipated, but we got there and can safely promise that the next chapter won't take forever.

Prince Kíli’s grand tour was a disaster. That was the only thing the crown prince of Erebor and his tutor, Gandalf, agreed on. The main reason for their disagreement was that they couldn’t agree on the actual purpose of said tour.

The young royal had been the one to insist on a very low-key tour, travelling incognito with just his tutor instead of visiting all the courts of his neighbouring countries. His father, King Thorin, and Gandalf had believed the purpose of that plan was so the prince could learn more about the culture and the technology of these places, beyond the glamour and model industries and products they would parade in front of a prince. Kíli, on the other hand, believed the purpose was for him to enjoy himself, get drunk, get laid, dance, and be silly without any repercussions.

Two weeks into the tour, the Prince and his companion were close to the capital of Lothlorien, a country ruled by Gandalf’s dearest and oldest friend, Queen Galadriel. As such, he informed Kíli rather sternly, that he was not going to embarrass himself in front of her by tolerating Kíli’s outrageous behaviour.

“There is absolutely no reason why she should even know about my presence,” Kíli shrugged, nursing a cup of peppermint tea to deal with his hangover.

“She is your neighbour!” Gandalf railed, banging his staff against the floor. The sound vibrated through Kíli’s sore skull. “It is high time you were introduced to foreign dignitaries! You have already stood up the Duke of Ered Luin! We were supposed to be in Lothlorien to meet him yesterday! So far, you have led a pampered life…”

“... in a golden prison,” Kili mumbled into his cup.

“... but now that you have almost reached your majority, you have to learn to deal with the outside world.”

“And it’s going famously!” Kíli replied, taking another sip of tea. “I was very popular in that last little town.” He even managed a grin.

“Do not remind me.” Gandalf put his head in his hands, as if he was the one with the hangover, “Your behaviour was disgraceful. The way you carried on with those girls, and that boy…. Shameful. Utterly shameful!”

“Only because an old man was watching us,” Kíli said, still feeling sore because Gandalf had made sure that he cycled back to their accommodations alone.

“You,” Gandalf’s voice rose to worrying levels again, “almost gave away your identity. The way you behaved! Anyone could have guessed your rank. No commoner would ever behave in such an entitled, spoilt…”

“But I am not a commoner,” Kíli interrupted, “And I never will be. I don’t need to learn how to behave as one.”

“A little bit of humility….”

“... is absolutely useless as a prince. Look, seeing as I have no servant here, why don’t you make yourself useful and get me another cup of tea?” The prince asked. Something in Gandalf’s face when his godfather jumped up from his chair told Kíli that he may have finally found the old man’s limits.

“Right. That is it. I have had it with you and your stubbornness. You, Prince Kilian Augustus of Erebor, will be taught humility.” The room seemed to darken as Gandalf thundered those words at his young charge.

“Hang on now…” but Kíli’s hands were too slow to shield his eyes when Gandalf pointed his staff at him and glaring, blinding light assaulted his eyes. The content of his stomach roiled when his body twisted and curled and stretched and he was enfolded in a blazing aura.

He opened his mouth to protest once he rolled onto the floor, but before he could utter a word, his stomach emptied itself onto the floor. Strange… had the wood always been so coarse in this hotel? His resulting whimper came out as a whine. Right, that did it. He was so done! Who the hell did this old man think he was endangering a royal life? But when he began to berate Gandalf, all that came out of his mouth was the most annoying yipping bark. And where was that useless wizard?

“Kíli.” Gandalf sounded amused now, and very far above him. Kíli looked up a great big pillar, a bearded pillar with enormous nostrils. The pillar bent down, to reveal Gandalf’s ridiculously large face. “This form will do the trick,” the Gandalf pillar said.

‘Form? What form?’ Kili thought.

“See for yourself,” pillar replied.

A large hand swiped him up and Kíli struggled dramatically. He had no arms. No arms? But four legs. What?

Gandalf entered the bathroom, which opened to a large mirror reflecting the wizard with a tiny, black-and white chihuahua in his arm.

No. No way. That was a trick. He carefully lifted a paw. The chihuahua in the mirror perfectly reflected his movement. And when he looked down, there it was. A delicate, little chihuahua paw.

A chihuahua... Kíli was besides himself. He could not believe that the barmy wizard who moonlighted as his godfather, had turned him into a chihuahua. Clearly, if he was to be turned into any sort of animal, it would be a wolf. Not a bloody Chihuahua!

Swiftly, Gandalf put the enraged little dog down and locked the bathroom. He began pacing the hotel room. Clearly he had not thought this through. He was too old for these spur of the moment decisions. He should not have snapped like this. But his dignity forbade him to just turn that brat of a prince back into human form. No, now that the prince was turned into a chihuahua, a chihuahua he would stay until he became more humble. There was a slight problem. Gandalf liked little dogs even less than he liked spoilt princes, godson or not, and he would be damned before he took care of that yipping, yapping beast himself.

A visit to dear Queen Galadriel was clearly in order. A few arrangements and a short horse ride later, he sat in Galadriel’s elegant office, the top balcony, filled with trees and flowers of the large terraced palace. The ethereal queen was doubled over laughing, her husband patting her back helpfully.

“A chihuahua?” She cried, “You turned Prince Kíli into a chihuahua?”

“Yes,” Gandalf sighed, “Needless to say, it would be better if King Thorin did not learn of this.”

“Particularly not the part where we know,” Celeborn confirmed.

“Do you counsel me to turn him back?” Gandalf asked.

“Oh… oh… oh no,” Galadriel regained her composure, “I think it is a splendid idea. You just keep sending messages to the king. He will hardly expect his heir to bother to keep in touch, from what you told me.”

“And what should he do with the royal dog, my dear?” Celeborn inquired.

“I know just what to do,” Galadriel nodded decisively. She walked across the the terrace contemplating the final details in her head, her fine hemp lawn gown billowing gracefully behind her with its coat of antique metallic shot silk catching the light, “We will give him to Fíli.”

“Your godson, the Duke of Ered Luin?” Gandalf had never met the young duke, but he was familiar with Ered Luin, the country where hemp, potatoes, and all manner of fruits and vegetables grew in abundance. It was the young Duke they were meant to be introduced to a few days ago, but Prince Kíli’s dawdling had caused them to miss the agreed upon time.

“The same,” Galadriel smiled, “From what you tell me, Kíli and he are very similar. However, Fíli is about to turn 21 and he will rule on his own. I am troubled because he lacks the proper sense of responsibility. Caring for a little dog might be just what he needs.”

“If we, or Gandalf whom he knows to be your friend, gifts him a dog, he will reject it.” Celeborn was always the voice of reason.

“That is true.” Galadriel closed her eyes for a second, “Gandalf, why don’t you bring the dog to Radagast’s shelter. We will find a proper reason for Radagast to deliver him to Fíli. He won’t suspect that Radagast has any connection to us or to you.”

 

* * *

 

Gaston cursed under his breath, “No one pulls over Gaston!” Their vehicle had diplomatic plates and he was barely going 15 kilometers over the speed limit. What right did these foolish gendarmes have to stop them?

Behind him, Fili looked up from the textbook he had been studying intently, “Why are we stopping?”

The halo of blonde ringlets framing the young Duke’s face made Gaston forget how to breathe for a moment. Now matter how many time he looked into that face, into those ocean blue eyes, he could not get over utterly gorgeous his charge was. In a swift and subtle movement, he turned his torso to face the young man, slipping an arm over the seat and palming a small bag of herbs into Fili’s silken backpack. “Just the traffic gendarmes, sire. I am sure it is nothing to worry about. Please return to your studies. I will take care of this.”

An hour later, they were sitting in a holding cell at the local town hall. Fili was furious. Gaston's way of handling it had been to declare diplomatic immunity, then start a fight. Fili wasn't sure if he was more concerned whether his godmother found out about this or if he actually had to spend the night in jail and go before a magistrate. He shivered... definitely the former. He would much rather face the magistrate than an angry Queen Galadriel.

Two weeks to finals and graduation… two weeks! All he had to manage was two more weeks and he would graduate, be twenty-one, and meet the terms of his majority to rule without a regent. He could not wait to get rid of that ill-tempered sycophantic rat Alfrid and his boastful, egotistical son Gaston. All he wanted was his books and a chance to visit the places he read about, apart from maybe Erebor. A backwards country, dependent on mining and steam, the air too dirty for a duke raised in the clean environment of Ered Luin and Lothlorien. Of course, he also needed to take care of his country.


	2. Rhosgobel, or, The Great Piddle Puddle Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli meets a yapping little beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After islandkate learned about Solarpunk, we decided to add some solarpunk elements - we subtly changed the first chapter too :)

Still floating on the slightly giddy high he always felt in Galadriel's presence, Gandalf drifted back into Kili's suite. The lack of barking and growling seemed like a good sign. Until he opened the bathroom door and stepped right into a yellow puddle far larger than such a small dog should have been able to produce…

Tiny chihuahua Kili huddled in the corner, far from the horrific puddle. He was aghast that he had been forced by this body to do such a thing. He was a royal prince, the crown prince! He did not urinate on the floor like a street drunkard, or worse.

Just as Kili pressed as far back into the corner behind the toilet as he could, covering his eyes with one tiny paw, Gandalf released a tirade of expletives in more languages than Kili had even a passing understanding. Suddenly, Kili’s sense of mortification was replaced with a smug, righteous sense of purpose. He padded out, around the angry wizard and into the room proper with his head held high. A quick sniff helped him locate the shoes he wanted and he marched over, squatted, and produced an impressive pile in his godfather’s favorite hand-crafted grey felted wool slippers.

Gandalf exploded in a language Kili had never even heard. Suddenly, the tiny highborn pup was whisked high in the air, face to face with a dark and angry cloud of beard, “Kili…” but the angry tirade fizzled out in the face of the even angrier tirade of barks and yips from the indignant prince. “Right,” Gandalf conceded, “Time to get you to Radagast.”

Kili stopped mid-bark. Radagast? He was a nice man, but loonier than Gandalf! What was he going to…. Oh, Mahal! The shelter! Gandalf meant lo leave him at Radagast’s shelter! Kili became frantic. He had never been so frightened, nor felt so betrayed in his entire life. He almost got loose from Gandalf’s arms, but twisted the wrong way and ended up sliding right into the wicker dog carrier hidden behind the door. He turned his back on Gandalf as his once trusted godfather buckled the leather door lock.

 

* * *

 

Fili parked his sidecar bicycle in front of Radagast’s shelter. Convincing Gaston to agree to a voluntary “deportation” while Fili served his community service and finished the remaining few weeks of university had not been as easy as it should have been. In fact, Fili had been moments away from ordering him as his sovereign when Gaston finally conceded.

The outside of Radagast’s shelter did not fill him with confidence. Lothlorien was the greenest city imaginable, with trees, climbing plants, creepers, bushes, wild flowers and vegetables covering every surface possible. But those were well kept up, trimmed and and dead plants and twigs immediately removed. Radagast’s shelter was a modest wooden structure, sprawling over what used to be an industrial area; dead and dying trees stood among living, thriving ones, moss and lichen had taken over vast areas and covered the wood and none of the bushes had ever seen clippers. Fíli found it undignified how he needed to push aside some twigs just to get inside the door.

Inside, he was greeted by frazzled volunteer, who seemed to know who he was and pointed him to the office to find Radagast.

The door to his office was open; by necessity as a couple of swallows were building their nest in the doorframe. Fíli ducked his head when one of them came flying in with grass in her beak and swooped above him.

Maybe cleaning out would be his task. Menial work, but very necessary. He pulled his shoulders back and straightened up. It was important to appear every inch the Duke of Ered Luin that he was - just so this Radagast was reminded who was doing this community service. However, when he knocked on the doorframe, he didn’t get any response, so he peered around the door. The dirtiest man he had ever seen was bent over a table muttering to himself.

“Excuse me?” Fíli was not accustomed to people letting him wait. 

“Hm, hm? There you go, Sebastian, good as knew.” Radagast turned around, a little hedgehog in his hand, “Oh, hello there.”

“My name is Duke Filibert Frederick Guillaume Alastair of Ered Luin, Marquis of Mithlond, Earl of Lune, Baron Himling. I have been told to come here.”

Radagast seemed to have spaced out after the first two words, but now he shook his head, “Oh, yes, yes, I’ve been expecting you. Hm, yes. I think Gandalf said something. Follow me, follow me.”

Fíli did, and after a while Radagast had completely forgotten about him. Sebastian the hedgehog was deposited in a little box, where he would presumably recuperate from whatever had ailed him. Radagast then fed lettuce to some rabbits, apparently delighted with their sheer existence. A couple of birds landed on his shoulder and stayed there while they made their rounds through the sheds.

They finally made it to one that housed several dogs. Some of them were playing outside. They were greeted by an excited pitbull terrier, whom Radagast referred to as Butchie. Butchie shielded Fíli and Radagast from the determined attempts of a yapping Chihuahua to bite their ankles.

Radagast suddenly stopped and turned to Fíli, as if he saw him for the first time. “Oh yes. I remember now what Gandalf said! You are going to take care of this one.”

Fíli had a vague idea that he had heard that name before, but couldn’t remember where. He smiled down at Butchie and scratched him behind his ears, “Great.”

“Oh, not that one.” Radagast pointed at the yapping Chihuahua. “Our little troubled newcomer. I’m afraid he hasn’t adapted well to life at Rhosgobel.”

Fíli was too stunned to react. That… thing? He was supposed to take care of that monstrosity? He was a man! He was a Duke! A very manly Duke! Manly dukes did not take care of Chihuahuas. Those were for dowagers to terrorize their family.

Radagast patted Butchie now, who was delighted with all the attention and rubbed against the old man’s leg, tongue lollying out and drool hanging from it. “Go and find one of the volunteers to find a you a tiny leash and harness for him.”

“Excuse me?”

Radagast smiled brightly. “Take a walk with him. You can bond with him, make the poor little thing feel welcome here.”

“Excuse…”

Fíli trailed off. Radagast was already wandering off again. He eyed the Chihuahua again. The Chihuahua eyed his ankles.

With a leash, he’d have at least some control. Sighing, Fili went back to the reception area, which seemed the likeliest place to ask for a leash, everyone around here looked busy.

The receptionist looked sympathetic, when he told her he needed a tiny leash and harness for a Chihuahua. “He stuck you with the beast?”

“Is that his name?”

She chuckled, while she opened a cupboard that contained a mess of leashes, collars and harnesses, “The guy who dropped him here said his name was Mr. Puddles. And we soon figured out why - I’m sure the little beast is housetrained, he just enjoys leaving puddles and poop where people will step in them. He’s a fiend…. There you go,” She handed him a leash and a harness made out of hemp. She hesitated, and then added, “Do you need help putting it on him?”

He did. In fact, he needed a lot of help. Mr. Puddles was not happy at all. Fíli was happy he was wearing boots when he ventured out with the little fiend. There was no real point to this walk. As he had been told, the little dog happily went to the toilet wherever it was most inconvenient, and surely the whole jumping and barking was plenty of exercise. He supposed, that the staff just wanted to be rid of him for a while.

Once Kíli had failed to fight off the harness and then failed to bite through the leather of the newcomer’s boots, he accepted his fate, for the moment. At least this guy looked like he had some class. He must be nobility.

The bothersome leather boots were fine quality and intricately tooled. And he was wearing sturdy cotton coveralls with a white silk shirt. He looked like he might be the younger version of some foreign dignitaries he had seen from afar in Erebor. It didn’t hurt that what he had seen of the guy’s grumpy face when he had crouched down was gorgeous. If he wasn’t currently locked in Chihuahua form, he’d hit on him.

 

At that point Kili realized Hottie McCoveralls just might be his ticket out of this place. He yipped at Fili and bumped his calf affectionately.

Fili looked down at him quizzically, “What’s this? Have you really just been looking for someone to treat you nicely like this lunatic supposed?”

Kili yipped again. Fili would have sworn he nodded. He shook the idea away and swept the tiny dog up in his arms. KIli still wasn't used to that and shuddered a bit, which Fili interpreted as fright, “You’re alright, buddy. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

 

* * *

 

From that point on, the two were inseparable whenever Fili came to Rhosgobel. Kili still wouldn’t behave for the others, but he was an angel for his Duke. Nobody noticed that Kíli had become especially docile once he heard somebody adress his new caretaker as Your Grace. Staff begged him to please take the beast with him whenever he could and Fíli did. Fili talked to him like a confidant, secure that anything said would remain secret. He even complained about being stood up by the Crown Prince of Erebor and was amused by the little dog’s look of shame, covering his eyes with a paw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment :)


	3. Traveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Mr. Puddles go on an adventure!

On his last day at the shelter, Fili arrived with a jeweled leather harness and fine leather lead. He stopped into Radagast's office where the older gentleman was sprinkling bits of mushroom from a baggie onto his salad. Fili looked at him somewhat scornfully, “This is my last day, sir. I have already completed the paperwork at the magistrate’s office. I’m taking Mr. Puddles with me. Please see that your staff fills out any necessary paperwork here.”

“Yes, yes, thank you, you’ve been a great help…” He started to rise, but Fili turned and swept out of the room fearing the kind but dirty old man might try to hug him.

Kili was much more comfortable in the solar-powered coach that Fili had borrowed from Galadriel for the day to carry them plus his luggage and his friend Ori to the train station. He lounged on the seat between the two men and didn’t even pee in Ori’s shoes. Of course, Ori made a nest for him of the softest knitted blanket he had ever felt and kept slipping him bits of his lunch, so Ori was definitely on the keeper list.

Ori was Fili’s best friend. A bit sheltered and naive, he was the youngest brother of Fili’s tutor. Whereas Fili had just graduated from university, Ori still had two years to go. ‘At least they get to go,’ Kili thought, ‘Nothing but more tutors for me.’

The coach delivered them to the station just as the train arrived. Several porters rushed out to help them unload. The senior porter checked the tickets Ori handed him and bowed respectfully to Fili, “It is good to have you journey with us, Your Grace. Do you require anything special today?”

“No, Philip,” Fili made a special point of remembering people’s names, “Thank you. But I do have a new little dog, will that be a problem?”

“Not at all, Your Grace,” He smiled conspiratorially, “The Dowager Countess of Bree is aboard with a large group of her grandchildren. I cannot imagine any part of your entourage being more of a problem, sir.”

They both laughed, Fili especially remembering how little Pud came to be came to be called Mr. Puddles. If Philip only knew…

Once safely tucked into their spacious compartment (several cars away from the Bree party), Ori quickly fell asleep on one bed, wrapped in in his own knitted blanket. Kili hated to surrender it, but he was delighted to have Fili all to himself, cuddled on the other bed. He really was becoming attached to the young Duke, far more than his initial escape plan included.

As the train rocked gently toward Ered Luin, Fili began to tell Kili about Gaston, “You’re not going to like him, but try to be nice because we have to put up with him and his idiot father until I turn 21.” Kili growled, but Fili just smiled, rubbed his little head and continued, “The best Gaston story is the last time he tried to take me to dinner. He tried to treat it like a date! Then he spent the whole time singing about himself!” Fili laughed into a swinging impression of Gaston boasting about himself in song. Ori snored. Fili laughed and sat back down, “He even ate an entire chef’s specialty six dozen quail egg quiche and then stuck me with the bill!”

Kili stood up in Fili’s lap and tried to put a reassuring paw on his shoulder. It ended up on his chest. Chihuahuas were just so small! But he made up for it with the big puppy eyes. Even as a human, Kili used his big brown eyes to get his way, and the disproportionately large chihuahua eyes were working just fine for him.

Fili swept him tightly against his chest in a fierce hug, “How is it you get me when I feel no one else does?”

\----

They were welcomed at the train station by Alfrid, Fíli’s steward, and his son Gaston, along with a guard of honor and a small marching band. Both men’s jaws dropped when they saw the little dog on Fíli’s arm who looked around curiously but not at all scared by the pomp.

Fili informed his steward, very curtly, that Pud was to be treated with the utmost respect and that he needed to clear his schedule for the day to find supplies for his dog. Alfrid agreed and bowed deeply to hide his sneer.

Later, the maid who brought in the blankets for little Pud to Fíli’s room, on the other hand was instantly charmed by the little dog, even when Kíli yapped at her. When Fíli gently scolded him and told him that he needed to let Alice and the other servants get on with their work, he yipped a little, and employed his big eyes to beg for forgiveness, where no offense was taken. Alice just cooed about the little dear understanding every word the Duke said.

The next day, after a lavish breakfast of which Pud did get less than he’d have liked (Kíli would never get used to the small portions of a chihuahua), Alfrid and Gaston presented the selection of dog supplies they had secured.

Gaston, rather than a servant, had to carry them in as his father was an experienced sycophant and deemed it necessary. Alfrid had told Gaston in no uncertain terms, that as he was responsible for the Duke’s imprisonment, and consequently, the arrival of the little beast. He would be the one to handle Mr. Puddles’ supplies, not a lowly servant.

It turned out not to be a smart move. Kíli, who inspected the leashes, harnesses, and the hemp backpack with low growling, chose to ignore the little silver scoop and biodegradable bags. In return, Gaston hissed at the little dog, promising him to mess with his food or do worse, if he ever so much as looked at Gaston the wrong way. Kíli’s neck hair rose, his tail standing straight back, and he growled loudly.

Fíli, who had been inspecting the backpack, hurried over, “Puddie, little buddie, what bothers you? Was big bad Gaston nasty to my poor little baby?”

Gaston defended himself and promised to learn how to deal with little dogs, though the cooing Duke paid little attention to him. Wisely, he only complained to his father when, in the evening, he slid into his slippers only to discover they were full of poop. Of course, the laundry women noticed, and soon the story was all over the palace.

Fíli was not there to hear the story. On the morning of his second day back in Ered Luin, he was presented by the the brothers Ur, Bifur and Bofur, with a camper bicycle which they had fitted with a sidecar once they were notified that the Duke now had a little dog. After a light lunch, he and Kili cycled off on a weeklong inspection of the hemp fields, accompanied by several guards. On the whole, Ered Luin was very peaceful and the Duke was welcome everywhere.

For Kíli, as a prince, this was perhaps the beginning of a grand tour as his father and Gandalf had envisioned. Only poor people went about on bicycles in Erebor. Certainly none of them were as luxurious or as well crafted as the one he was now riding shotgun in. Perhaps that needed to change.

All of the guards’ tents and supplies were stored neatly inside a chuckwagon-style supply cycle that brought up the rear of the riding formation. To Kili, it was quite a sight, a single bicycle riding point, followed by Fili and himself with the camper, followed by two more guards riding side by side, and finally the supply cycle. Fili's crest was prominently displayed on both the camper and chuckwagon, and all the guards were in ducal livery. In some places the younger members of farms and towns ran out to wave as if it were a parade.

Each night they would make camp under the stars near a stream or a meadow, far enough from a farm, town, or anyone who might make a fuss about hosting the Duke for the evening so they could relax and rest. Kili roamed between the men during dinner, earning treats, ear scritches, and occasional belly rubs, but never out of sight of Fili. When time came to go to sleep, he tucked himself in next to Duke Dimples and listened to what the blonde needed to unburden.

Fili confided everything to Kili, secure that his little dog wasn't going to tell anyone. And Kili began to feel emotionally attached to Fili, because he understood. He understood the pressure to be perfect, to have his decisions affect the lives of people he didn't even know, to be isolated and forever in public at the same time. He didn't understand the reason his stomach fluttered when Fili smiled though, or why being in his company made him feel ridiculously comfortable and excited at the same time. He had no idea what those feelings for Fili were. He always expected an arranged, political marriage - love was so far outside his scope of reference that he never even considered it.

During the days, Fíli brought his dog everywhere, to the inspection of the fields, of the storehouses, to the mills, and to the workshops. At each stop, the Duke was presented with the very best hemp products, from oil, both for salads and for engines, to another backpack that Kíli loathed.

Fíli had begun to carry Kíli around each inspection in a little backpack, even though Kíli was doing his best to convey that he was NOT a backpack, but a PRINCE.

On the third day, when Kíli was squirming in the backpack, Fíli took him out and held him out in front of his dukely face, “Look, little Pudding, the last time I let you walk around a place? You did your impression of a pancake. Remember? All legs stretched out to the sides and I had to humiliate myself coaxing you to move in front of the most important hemp growers in Ered Luin?”

Kíli nodded, which made Fíli giggle.

“All right, Puds, you’ll get another chance tomorrow.”

Kíli took the chance. The little incident where he had refused to move was supposed to be his revenge for the “trick” Fíli had “taught” him. Fíli would sternly say “Pud, look stupid!” and when Kíli looked at him, he cooed “Good boy!” even though Kíli was just looking his ordinary doggy self.

They spent more several days on the road visiting as many people and places as they could. By the time they arrived back at the palace, they were physically exhausted. Kili scampered alongside Fili as he dragged himself to his suite and collapsed onto the bed. An older maid came in sometime during the night to check on him, smiling indulgently. She removed his boots and covered him with a soft linen coverlet before exiting quietly. Kili opened one eye to watch her and quickly fell back asleep after she left.

Late the next day, after a long bath and a leisurely brunch, Duke and dog set out for the Ur’s workshop to return the camper for a thorough check after the long trip. Fili also had a surprise in mind for his little Pud.

When the two arrived, the shop was closed with a small note, ‘Gone Riding, Back Soon’ tacked to the door. Fili opted to wait, knowing the show that would be in store. He sat on the front stoop with the dog next to him, leaned back, and relaxed. Kili laid down beside him, resting his chin on Fili's thigh. “Bifur is huge, ex-military guy who is like 80% handlebar moustache and has a ponytail halfway to his ass,” he told Kili, “His brother Bofur looks much the same, but he wears his hair in two pigtails like Pippi Longstockings and has this hat you have to see to believe.” Before he could say more, a cloud of dust appeared in the distance, “Ah, here they come now.”

The Urs and and all their huge guy friends rolled up and stopped in front of the Duke. Each and every one had a tiny dog and special safe seats for them on their bikes. As soon as they were stopped and secure, they took their tiny dogs out of their little studded leather safety carriers there was a loud cacophony of kissy sounds and full blown baby voices saying “was that fun sweetie” and “who’s my handsome boy.”

Fili looked at Mr. Puddles and was sure the dog rolled his eyes. Could they do that? He had no time to contemplate it because the men had noticed him now and descended upon tiny Pud cooing and kissing like he was one of their own.

Fili felt compelled to show them the “look stupid” trick.

Kili side-eyed Fili's shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene with the Urs and their friends is borrowed from a post by iamalittleowl. Please check it our here: [Shiny link](http://www.iamatinyowl.com/post/128290948644/i-have-this-huge-ex-military-biker-guy-neighbour)


	4. Ruairí

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli meets a handsome stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! This might update a bit slower because I (Chelidona) had a few changes in my personal life, but we love our little story, so don't worry, we will see this through to the end. Hope you enjoy!

Kili woke up with a stretch and a yawn, even his tongue uncurling and reaching far out of his little mouth. He blinked a few times, still not settled into his life as a canine. A soft sound from the other end of the bed caught his attention. Kili cantered the length of the king size bed to check on his friend. Fili's hair was braided back from his face and his features were relaxed in sleep. It made Kili's tiny tummy flutter to see him like that. He took a few more steps and rubbed his furry forehead against Fili's brow. Fili smiled in his sleep. Kili smiled too, his tongue lolling out. Overcome, he placed a sloppy dog kiss across the blonde’s cheek and nose.

A soft pop and swirl of light deposited Kili on the bed - Kili Kili, not the chihuahua form. Fili rolled away from the light but Kili was so excited that he reached over to shake his shoulder. He could finally tell him what happened! The fact that he was completely naked and a stranger in the Duke’s bedroom late at night completely escaped his attention.

When Kili told the story later, Fili screamed like a little girl being shaken awake by a naked man in his bed. In Fíli’s version it was a manly bellow. Either way, the resulting confusion was the same. As soon as the first guard threw open the door, there was another swirl of light and all he could see was his Duke on the floor behind the bed and a very angry chihuahua yipping and yapping at the top of his tiny lungs.

Everyone assumed Mr. Puddles had frightened off the intruder and a thorough search of the palace was conducted, to no avail. Fili only slept again hours later when Ori convinced him to take his bed and Dori mixed a bit of valerian into his chamomile tea. Fíli kept Kili in his arms until he fell asleep. When he did, the little dog assumed a protective posture, rested his chin on his paws, and did his best impression of a large guard dog.

While he sat there on Ori’s bed, guarding Fili from himself, Kili pondered what had happened. He hadn’t imagined it, because the entire guard, even Dori, was scouring the palace looking for the intruder. He thought about what happened, about the sequence of events. Memories of his mother telling him tales about princes, dragons, and true love kisses. Is that what he was feeling? Love? Wouldn’t that just be perfect. To find love and live the rest of his life knowing what he had lost when his father married him off for some political advantage. 

He stepped out of Fili’s arms and retreated to the of the bed before tentatively giving Fili’s toes a tentative doggy kiss. He missed the Duke giggling in his sleep and pulling his feet back under the coverlet because this time he was on the floor behind the bed - human!

Rather than scare the poor blonde again, he stopped to think. As much as he wanted to talk, he wasn't sure what would happen. He began to shiver from the cold marble tile on his bare bottom and wondered where he could get some clothes.

But luck was not on his side, before he could come up with a plan, Ori knocked and entered the room. Crap! He was a dog again. And he was stuck on the floor behind the bed, too short to leap up by Fili himself. He started barking, well, yipping.

Fili jerked, suddenly awake. Puds! What was wrong? Where was his dog? Why was he in someone else’s bed? Confused thoughts flew through his groggy mind. He was able to follow the noise and scoop Puds back up onto the bed which calmed them both somewhat but did nothing to help him wake up.

“I am so sorry, Fili. I didn't mean to wake you,” Ori cried. He rushed across the room and jumped onto his bed to hug his friend, “Dori sent me to check on you. I just meant to sit in the corner and knit while you slept.”

FIli was awake now and he smiled, “It’s okay, Ori. I’m just a little groggy. Did Dori make me the special tea again?”

Ori blushed, “He said you needed to sleep.”

Kili narrowed his big eyes at Ori suspiciously and growled but Fili just flipped him over to rub his belly, Kíli’s doggy weak spot. “It’s okay, Puds. You know Ori. He’s safe.”

Ori narrowed his own eyes and went to check his shoes before settling in an overstuffed chair near the fire, “You two just go back to sleep,” he said, “I’ll be right here with my knitting needles if anyone else tried to bother you.”

Fili grinned. He’d been on the wrong end of those needles a few times and knew there was a special sharpened pair in the basket for emergencies. The only way he could have been any safer was if Nori was sitting outside the door.

***

Nori, Ori’s middle brother, was actually at the palace security station. Since the death of the Duke’s parents five years earlier, he had cleaned up his act and become a key member of the Duke’s Guard. Their brother Dori had been head of the Guard and Fili’s tutor, until Alfrid came.

No one was completely sure how Alfrid rose to Regent. He had been an annoying minor toady in the agriculture ministry. Then he had gotten credit for a breakthrough in the restoration agriculture program. He had steamrolled that into a rise through the ministry until he became an advisor to the old Duke. Most of the court was surprised when he produced a document naming him regent. Dori was the young Duke’s tutor, protector, and most trusted advisor. But the death of his parents was unexpected and at 15, perhaps they had not expected him to need a regent. Fili had expected Dori to be his Prime Minister. Instead, slimy and selfish Alfrid stepped in and took over. 

Dori was demoted to Adjunct, not even a proper guard, just the person who runs around and brings them coffee and does the menial jobs. He, in turn, never said anything because he thought support at court was negligible at best due to Nori’s questionable past. And Fili was sent away to University in Lothlorien at the first opportunity. Alfrid’s equally offensive son Gaston was assigned as his protector, leaving him lost and alone. At least that was what Fili thought. Nori personally organized a crew to watch over and protect Fili. At the first hint of trouble, he went straight to the new Guard General and reported both the problem and how it had been solved before the Duke was even inconvenienced. Suddenly, he found himself promoted to chief of intelligence. They might not be able to give Dori what he deserved, but they would not give up trying.

In the security station now, Nori stared at monitors showing him the entire palace and frowned. How had someone gotten in and out without being seen? He was personally offended. No matter how many times he watched the footage, no one entered the Duke’s room, or left it. Could he have missed a secret passage? He was certain that he had ferreted out them all. He could accept that Fili might know one he didn't, but a stranger? Inconceivable. He kicked his feet up on the desk and clasped his hands behind his head, ruffling his auburn hair. There was no way anyone was beating him at his own game.

Night came again and went and Nori was still watching the monitors when Fili emerged with the tiny chihuahua code-named Landmine. Only the sweet maid, Alice, that cared for the Duke’s chambers seemed immune to the dog’s shoe-pooing. Of course, she spoiled the Beast (his semi-official nickname among staff) horribly, always slipping him treats and cooing at his antics like he was an angel. He sat up with a jerk and shouted into the com system, making more than one guard yank out his earpiece, “Landmine on the loose! I repeat, Landmine on the loose! Beauty is in pursuit.” He sat back and smiled, ‘Beauty and the tiny beast,’ he laughed to himself.

A few minutes later, Fili rounded a corner of the hedge maze thinking he had finally cornered Puds in a dead end. He was more than surprised to find the young man from his bed sitting on the ground, naked and confused. He slid to a halt, wondering if he should call for help, but the brunette looked up at him with deep, soulful eyes and he found it impossible to be afraid. “Why are you naked in my garden?” He asked.

Kili shivered and blinked, playing for time, “I’m not sure,” he finally answered.

The blonde Duke frowned, removing his jacket to cover the naked young man and bring him a bit of warmth before asking another question, “Were you in my bedroom last night?”

Kili just looked stupid.

“Let’s try something else,” Fili said, “Do you know how you got here?”

Kili looked stupid.

Fili facepalmed, either this guy was a maniacal genius or no danger at all, “Do you know your name?”

“Ruairí?” Kili mumbled.

‘A Ri!’ Fili thought, that made sense. If strange things happened, a Ri was usually involved. “Ok. Let's start from there,” he said, squatting to settle next to Kili.

Kili smiled, happy to have Fili’s attention, but confused about what to do next, “Are you…”

Before he could say more, Nori burst through the hedge. “Your Grace!” He shouted then skidded to a halt in front of Duke and dog. Fili had turned and risen to meet him.

“Nori!” Fili cried, “Why didn't you mention finding another brother?”

Nori stared blankly, “Uh, I’m sorry, Your Grace?”

Fili frowned again, a small crease appearing between his eyebrows and a mild headache gathering at the base of his skull.

Nori saw the crease and rushed to continue, “I just came to report on the search for the intruder.”

“Well, you’re too late,” Fili snapped, “I’ve already found him so you you don't have to worry about it,” Fili held out his hand to help Ruairí to his feet. When no hand joined his, he twisted around to see his empty coat on the ground behind Mr. Puddles. “Ruairí?” He called, then he shouted, “Ruairí, where are you?”

Nori was so smart and so quick that he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick, “Ruairí? It was Ruairí? He's not my brother, Your Grace, but a cousin. I apologize for the confusion. He sometimes sleepwalks. That must be how he ended up in your chambers. Tell me, is there a secret passage I am unaware of that he might have used?”

A bit hysterical to find the lovely brunette who kept appearing naked and then disappearing, Fili ignored the secret passage request. He wasn't stupid, just a bit confused by the appearance and disappearance of the naked hottie. Of course he knew passages Nori didn't! The royal escape passages where known only to the Dukes and heirs for generations. He tried to focus on finding Ruairí, “Nori, please make sure Ruairí got back to his room safely and report back to me later.”

Kili looked at Nori and growled. Nori looked at the little dog like he was seeing light for the first time. Then, he smiled, promised the Duke it would be done, and ambled off, whistling.

***

Nori was not the only one who was told about this mysterious naked hottie. Although when Fíli dutifully wrote to his godmother, Galadriel, he left out the naked bit. That was more information than the old lady needed. He also didn’t mention that for some reason, piles of clothes seemed to be scattered around the garden, and he even found some beneath his bed. 

Nori seemed entirely unconcerned when Fili told him about this strange development. But he did make a cryptic comment about meddling wizards, looking pointedly at the chihuahua. And he also mentioned a Balin who’d better send this Dwalin over soon. The little dog’s ears pricked up at that. Even though Kíli was not all to sure he wanted Dwalin to be aware of this humiliating situation.

The next time Kíli found himself human, he knew to look for little piles of clothes and was able to present himself to Fíli fully dressed. Now he knew his role and pretended to be, indeed, a cousin of the Ris. He also apologized, scratching his head, for his earlier confusion. “I do sleepwalk sometimes, but I can’t tell how I ended up in your bed, your Grace, I’m ever so sorry.” He had taken on the broadest Erebor accent, which he had acquired when he was younger and bored and had passed time by imitating Dwalin’s brogue. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Fíli smiled broadly. “I should have known that Nori and Dori would never let anyone even near my bedroom who’s not perfectly safe. I should not have screamed like a little girl.”

“I did wake up naked in your bed,” Kíli pointed out with a shy smile, “That is very unexpected in the least.” He nearly lost his accent there and slipped back into posh prince speak, but Fíli didn’t realise, he was too happy to talk to this handsome not-a-stranger-anymore.

“It was not the best way to meet,” Fíli agreed. “You were lucky my dog seemed to have been in a coma then, he can be very vicious.”

“Can he? Isn’t he quite small?”

“Well, he’s a chihuahua,” Fíli agreed, looking around. “I don’t know where he got off to. PUDS!” He shook his head, “Mind if we go looking for him? I’m worried about him, he is so small and there are some big guard dogs who might not like my poor little Puds barking at them.”

Kíli thought that “barking” was a very kind word for the yapping he managed in his doggie form, so he agreed easily.

They talked about dogs, and the trouble they caused, while they were roaming the gardens. But just when they ran into Ori, Ruairí disappeared. Ori, who had been briefed by his brother, stuttered a little when Fíli expressed his surprise at the disappearing Ri cousin.

“He does that sometimes,” Ori managed. “He gets confused… that’s why they sent him here, the family thought the air would do him good. You know, Erebor has so much industry, they think the fumes ….”

He was interrupted by the indignant yipping from between their feet.

“I think the clean air here will do him good,” Fíli agreed cheerfully, and swooped his dog up in his arms. “Tell him he’s welcome to my quarters anytime. And you, little buddy, you better stop vanishing on me, do you hear?”

Kíli whined and bumped his tiny head against Fíli’s broad chest, not quite conveying that he’d never actually been far from his duke.

***

Meanwhile, back in Lothlorien, Galadriel, Gandalf, and Celeborn had a crisis meeting. Galadriel and Gandalf had visited Rhosgobel to check on Kili a few days earlier, only to find him gone. Radagast vaguely remembered the cheeky chihuahua that had peed everywhere, poor little frightened thing. He was fairly sure somebody had adopted him, a very nice person, he assured them, very friendly, would get on well with the doggie. Now if they’d excuse him, there were some baby rabbits who needed his attention.

 

Celeborn’s attitude towards the crisis could initially be summed up with “I told you so,” but even he was getting worried when all the posters looking for the lost dog turned up not one hint. Guards had examined virtually every chihuahua in the city, but no desperate crown prince of Erebor was to be found.

While they were trying to figure out how far to widen the search for the missing dog, and how much higher to put the reward, Fili’s letter arrived. At first, Galadriel meant to scold the guard who delivered such an inconsequential letter during an important meeting. Then they all remembered that they had sent Fíli to work at Rhosgobel, and that he might be able to give them a hint.

He did more than that. He apologized for not having been in touch, explained about the tour he did of his land with his cheeky, clever, charming chihuahua, Puds, and about the beautiful cousin of the Ri’s who seemed to be very shy.

That was all they needed. The next day Gandalf got on the train to meet with Kili.

***

Despite Alfrid’s objections that a tour might upset the delicate balance of atmospheric elements inside of the laboratory greenhouses, Fili pressed forward with his plans to see all the phases of development of hemp cultivation and their efforts and breeding ever more efficient plants. Puds was actually behaving and walking on the leash rather than squirming in the backpack when they passed some hemp that looked shorter and bushier than the plants Fili was used to seeing. Kíli growled suspiciously while Alfrid claimed it was a genetic alteration for better production. Fili nodded absently and rubbed between Kili's little ears, and told him to stop being grumpy; it's a gorgeous day.

Later, Fili peddled past that same greenhouse on the way back to the palace, with Puds in the basket. The little dog saw Gaston leaving the greenhouse containing the suspicious plants. He carried a large sack which made Puds even more suspicious, so he started yapping. He yipped and jumped about in the handlebar basket so violently that he distracted Fili. The bike wobbled and careened toward a tree. As it toppled over, the angry Beast leapt from the basket to attack Gaston. Fíli was utterly surprised and nearly ran over Puds in the process and just managed to avoid his dog before he crashed spectacularly into the side of the greenhouse instead. The scene quickly descended into chaos. One angry Duke shouting at his dog. An angry dog barking at Gaston. And angry Gaston just shouting because he liked to shout. Then the dog started barking at the Duke for being so dense.

Somehow, Nori appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and settled everyone down. He swept the the tiny beast up in his arms and cooed something in his ear that made him go quiet. With the dog quiet, Fili calmed and went still. Nori put the little dog down and they both ran to his side, checking for injuries. Gaston was still yelling, but everyone ignored him.

“Oh sure, now you care if I’m okay! What were you thinking, distracting me like that?” Fili snapped.

Puds licked his face, but didn't acknowledge that it was his fault. He acted like Fili was the worst cyclist ever. (Later he would give him the look every time they approached a bike, even though Fili got him a helmet. Perhaps part of the problem was that the helmet was pink, but Fili was still a little vengeful.)

***

Gandalf snuck onto the palace grounds later that day. He had arrived in Ered Luin incognito. He had not visited Ered Luin often, and it was doubtful that anyone would recognize the harmless farmer who used an old, gnarled staff as a cane with the stately wizard who had made an official visit. Only the fat ginger tabby cat, whom he spoiled with little treats, recognized him and appeared from beneath a bush, where she had been napping in a pile of clothes, to rub his ankles. She trilled until he stopped and rubbed her chin and belly. A guard passed and smiled at the pair.

Kindly old farmers were allowed to the roam the palace grounds. Nobody expected them, after all, to be able to move quietly and unseen towards the private areas.

Unseen there by all but a tiny dog that was napping next to his Duke. They were out on a terrace, sheltered by a beautiful Hornbeam hedge. There was a finely carved chaise-longue for the Duke to rest after the earlier incident.

Kíli growled as lowly as he could when he saw the old man standing next to the hedge. But when Gandalf rather imperiously beckoned him to follow, he did so without waking up Fíli. He figured he could yip and yap if he needed to, that would summon everyone.

“You can become a human when you are only with Fíli,” Gandalf began and Kíli yipped in agreement.

“That is a start.” Gandalf nodded solemnly. Kíli sat patiently for about thirty seconds, then he yipped sharply and butted Gandalf’s ankle. 

But the old man just chuckled.

“You will figure out how to break this spell,” he promised. “And that will teach you all that I haven’t been able to get through your thick skull and will give you happiness.”

Kíli bared his tiny, but sharp teeth. Yes, he was very happy to be close to Fíli, the beautiful blonde duke. But Fíli was sometimes as thick as he was handsome. And Gandalf’s ankles very vulnerable. The old wizard shielded them with his staff.

“You are aware, are you not, that you cannot tell Fíli who you are.”

Kíli let himself flop down to the ground. Yes, he was aware, thank you very much. Fíli already thought that “Ruairí,” the name he had made up on the spot, was a bit strange, he could hardly come out and say “And by the way, I’m the crown prince of Erebor.”

“Now, now, you brought this onto yourself. And as nobody knows who you are…”

Kíli interrupted him with a sharp bark, that startled Gandalf. He wasn’t used to being interrupted, even by the unruly prince. Kíli jumped up and down, but Gandalf didn’t seem to get that somebody knew. Nori knew. 

Kíli tried to run in a pattern that indicted Nori’s hair, but Gandalf just shook his head.

“Really, Kíli, there is no time…”

Kíli barked again and tried to walk like a security guard. His four small legs were unsuited for that task though. They were even more unsuited for writing on the ground, as he figured out. Why did he have to be a chihuahua?

Gandalf crouched down, “Now, my dear Kíli, I will leave again before you can empty your bladder.”

Kíli tried to glare at him, but without eyebrows and eyes even bigger and rounder than in his human version, the effect was completely lost.

Gandalf vanished between the trees, just as Fíli burst through the bushes on the other side.

“Puds!” he chided, “Why did you run off? You were supposed to stay with me.”

Kíli barked again, trying to point at the ground which quite clearly showed that a big man had stood there. At least from the chihuahua perspective it was obvious. 

Thirty minutes later, Fíli sat on the terrace with Ruairí, who was wearing one of Ori’s old suits, and complained about his dog’s tendency to just walk off. They heard guards combing the park for the little dog.

Kíli felt a rare pang of guilt. Guards had always just been background figures for him in Erebor. But having met Nori, the head of security here, he felt that it was a bit unfair that they had to look for a non-existent dog.

He would not have felt as guilty, could he have seen Nori at that moment. A letter from Erebor had arrived, signed by Dwalin, head of security in Erebor. 

There was much that Kíli wasn’t aware of. For example that Dori, Nori’s brother and ousted prime minister of Ered Luin, was one of the closest friends of Balin, the chancellor of Erebor. Or that Dwalin and Nori had been tasked by their brothers to bring the duke and the crown prince closer together. And that very soon, the court in Erebor would know that the crown prince was enjoying life in Ered Luin.

For now, Fíli and “Ruairí” enjoyed their relaxing time together, before Ruairí mysteriously vanished when the guards came to report that they hadn’t found the dog.

Which, Fíli apologized, wasn’t surprising. Apparently, poor little Puds had just napped under the table and nobody had noticed him. The dog had made himself comfortable on what looked a lot like the clothes Ruairí had worn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers like comments even more than dogs like their belly rubs.


	5. Catching clues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people catch some clues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did not forget about this story! We were just both busy on both sides of the Atlantic ;)  
> Hope you like this new installments of Duke Fíli, his beloved dog Puds and the handsome stranger only Fíli can see.

In time, life at the palace settled into a routine. Kíli snuck out at night in human form and hid stashes of clothes in strategic locations that he ferreted out as a chihuahua during the day. Courtiers used to his antics smiled and stepped aside as His Tiny Highness passed. Had they actually seen him dragging a piece of clothing, they might even have carried it for him. He himself preferred to managed the task with less pomp. After just a few weeks as a Chihuahua it felt wonderful to walk on two legs with his head at its normal height and have the opportunity to have an actual conversation again. He might not be able to go to the tavern, flirt with five people all at once, or swap jokes and stories with a large crowd, as he had been used to on his tour, but he could sit with Fíli and talk - or just be silent together.

For his part, Fíli was delighted with his new companion. He found it a bit peculiar that he could never arrange to meet Ori and his cousin at the same time and wondered, occasionally, if there was some bad blood between his oldest and newest friends. But those were family matters he felt he should not pry into.

Curiously, the major obstacle to Kíli’s occasional attempts to seduce that beautiful noble was Eva, the giant ginger tabby that just seemed to belong to the palace. Whenever she encountered Kíli in doggie form, she would hiss. And if she caught him alone in that form, he had to make a run for it. Worse still, he couldn't ask that she be removed. Not only was she well established in the palace, more so than Ruairí, he also had a personal connection to her. She had given birth to three kittens a few years earlier: Marie, Toulouse, and Berlioz. Those kittens had been gifted to Galadriel, the Thain of the Shire, and Kili himself, respectively. As he hid from her one afternoon, he wondered if she knew her Berlioz was his pampered companion.

As humiliating as it, that in his dog form he could not even fight a cat, he continued to suffer from her interference even as Ruairí. Whenever he was sitting down somewhere with Fíli and attempted some innocent flirting, Eva would come along and jump or clamber into Kíli’s lap, depending on how limber she felt that day. Worse, Eva adored Fili just as much and would occasionally push Kili aside to rub and mark the Duke.

On a day when the weather was unusually mild, and the sky clear, Kíli had made sure to lure Eva to the back of the palace and into the kitchen as a chihuahua. The cook, who inexplicably loved the feline monstrosity, cooed and distracted the cat with the promise of fish. Then he doubled down to run back to Fíli whom he knew to be frantically looking for Puds among the trees in a little copse not too far away from his rooms. One in which Kíli had two stashes of clothes.

Fíli encountered Ruairí wearing a particularly fetching pair of wide, maroon trousers, and a light vest of coloured hemp.

“Ruairí. Have you seen Puds?”

“I have not,” Kíli had to stop himself from grinning. It still amazed him that Fíli had still not cottoned on to the fact that Ruairí had never met Puds.

“I cannot find him,” Fíli pulled on his moustache braids, “I swear, that dog … he just seems to like to run away from me. I wonder if I did something to upset him?”

“I am sure you did not,” Kíli assured him, “And he always comes back, doesn’t he?”

“Yes, but he is so tiny,” Fíli shook his head. “What if…”

Kíli grabbed Fíli’s arm, “Please, calm down. He is a tough little dog.”

“He is,” Fíli smiled, flashing the dimples again, “Will you help me look though?”

“Of course.”

Kíli did not let go of Fíli though. Instead, he smiled winningly, widening his eyes. It was a look that had never failed to make people fall for him. And he could see Fíli relaxing, and leaned a bit closer towards his friend...

And then a loud purring drowned out the chirping birds, and Kíli almost stumbled when the massive body of Eva pressed against his leg.

The moment was broken. And a little while later, Fili had to come to the rescue of his poor Puds who had been backed against a tree by the much larger tabby cat. Frustratingly, Ruairí was gone again, missing the fabulous lunch that cook had sent out for them.

Fíli shook his head, as he bundled his dog against his chest, “Do you understand that man, Puddie?” he asked his wide-eyed companion, “I just don’t get why he disappears like that. You’d think he’d trust me by now, wouldn’t you?”

*

The next day, Kíli was dozing on cushy pillows in a state room… he had dragged the pillows behind a chaise-longue in the hopes that Eva was too big and chubby to squeeze herself in there to bother him. Fíli was holding an audience and even he had to agree that maybe petitioners would not feel taken seriously if Fíli was fussing with a little dog while they talked about their grievances. 

Kíli was taken by surprise when he heard the voices of Alfrid and Gaston, having assumed they would hover around Fíli during the audience. He had to make a conscious effort not to growl, all of his doggie instincts told him to attack these two nasty toads.

“Experimental strain,” Gaston chuckled, as he made himself comfortable on just the chaise lounge behind which Kíli was hiding, “He is so blond, he believes every blessed thing.”

“Still, make sure nobody actually educates him about hemp,” Alfrid, Gaston’s father, admonished.

“Duke Dimwit?”

Kíli’s little snout was beginning to hurt, as he had to force his muscles to remain still. The way the man talked about Fíli made him want to tear him apart. He silently swore that once he was his old self again, Gaston would pay. While he had to calm himself down, the conversation had continued.

“... harvest?” Alfrid asked.

“I told you.” Gaston held his father in much the same derision that he held Fíli, “I will have the weed shipped to my contact in Lothlorien. The duke cannot tell the plants apart. I’ll dump some of the field harvest in a couple of crates and label it as the experiment. You will come up with some bogus results from all the testing, and next year, the dear Duke will not be around any more to stop us, will he?”

“No.”

“How are planning to get rid of him? The same way you eliminated Dori?”

“Never duplicate a con, my son. Besides, our dear Duke has solved the problem for us. This imaginary Ri friend of his will be his downfall. No one has seen him. I’ll just have him declared incompetent and rule in his stead,” Alfrid laughed darkly, “We’ll lock him up for his own safety.”

That was it. Kili had to tell Fili what was going on. Would Fili believe Ruairí over his long time advisor?

***

When the audiences were finally over, Fili retreated to his favorite chaise in the garden. He still had paperwork to finish and an assistant carried out a lovely mother-of-pearl inlaid folding table for him to use. Kili was anxious to tell him what he had overheard. Unfortunately, Fili was focused on his work, preferring to finish before playing. He found a small stick near his feet and attempted to play fetch with Puds to keep the little dog busy and happy while he signed a large stack of proclamations.

The haughty little chihuahua was having none of it. Puds just looks at him, the tilt of his little face clearly conveying the message: "Oh, you threw a stick. Well done. What do you expect me to do about it?" If he had eyebrows, he would have raised one and frowned. Fíli just sighed. Maybe Chihuahuas just did not like to play games, Puds would just have to be content to relax a little more.

But then Fili dropped his gold dip pen and suddenly the game was on! Puds took it and ran off, ignoring Fíli’s command to come back.

Since Kíli knew the pen was valuable, he knew this would get Fili's attention. And he desperately needed Fili to take a break, preferably somewhere secluded so he could turn human. Puds led the duke on a merry chase through half the garden maze before Fili rounded an s-curve to find Ruairí. The young brunette was sunning himself in only a pair of loose linen shorts. The coordinating shirt was beneath him as a makeshift blanket. Seeing Fili, he sat up and pulled it on quickly, belting it loosely. He smiled and held up the pen. “Your tiny beast dropped this as he sprinted past.”

Fili sat down and took both pen and hand in his, “I suspect his disappearances have become a game of playing matchmaker…”

Fili leaned in as if he might be trying to kiss the brunette, but found a hand pressed to his chest.

“Your Grace, before another moment passes, there is something I must tell you…”

“Mmmmeeeeeooooooowrr!” A blast of ginger fur and fury shot between them. 

“Blast that cat,” Ruairi swore, his frown too endearing. They leant closer again, and then...

Then Nori’s shouts rang through the garden, “Your Grace! Your Grace! Official visitors from Erebor are coming!”

The Duke sighed deeply and stood. He knew Ruairí would be gone by the time he opened his eyes, but he looked anyway. He caught a glimpse of linen dragging under the hedge, but nothing more.

Fili stalked out of the maze. He would have liked to plunge his pen into Nori’s heart, but opted to stab it into the stack of still unfinished parchments. With a swiftly hidden grimace, a nearby assistant quickly gathered up everything and rushed it inside. His Grace continued to stalk Nori, who bravely stood his ground.

“Nori,” he growled, “who did you say is coming?”

“Erebor, Your Grace, their message says they will arrive tomorrow morning,” not even a hint of worry tainted Nori’s answer.

“And why are they coming on such a short notice without an invitation?”

“Family reunion?” Nori tried.

Fili glared at the joke.

Nori coughed. “Seriously, Sire. My brother Dori’s best friend is Balin, Chancellor of Erebor. We’ve been hiding the change in Dori’s circumstances from him, but he finally found out and he wants to make sure Dori's okay.”

Fili was not mollified.

“You know I don't lie to you or hide things from you, Your Grace,” Nori looked pointedly in Puds eyes, albeit briefly, “The official reason is trade negotiations,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “and his brother Dwalin is coming. His brother Dwalin who I may or may not occasionally have an on again off again relationship with.”

Nori actually blushed.

Fili burst into hysterical laughter.

Puds, who had just finally deigned to join his Duke again, looked at them like they were stupid. Fíli gave him a big kiss between his fluffy ears.

***

Later that night, Fili sat on his bed, head in hands, with the French doors to the balcony open. Ruairí wandered in from somewhere and quietly came to stand beside him. They both wore soft red union suits to keep them warm in the cool night air.

“Hey,” Fíli whispered, and the happiness in his eyes when he looked up at him, made Kíli forget for a crucial moment that he had an important mission.

He sat down next to Fíli on the bed when Fíli patted the space beside him, whispering “Hi there,” back.

Fili leaned into him and gently rested his head against the brunette’s shoulder, “I feel so much better when you're here,” he sighed.

“I never realized before how important it was to be there for someone,” Kili whispered, “I’ve been terribly selfish.” He looked into eyes as beautiful as a summer sky, but before anything more could come of his epiphany, such as a segue into the conspiracy against the owner of the beautiful eyes, Eva the cat barged in and jumped between them. “Mahal’s balls! You stupid cat! What is wrong with you? One moment you’re chasing me through the halls, going after my tiny balls, the next you want cuddles, what happened to the famous instinct of animals? Make up your mind how your feel about me!”

Reacting to the shouting, guards stationed in the hallway slammed the doors open. Only many years of training, and the fear of Nori's retribution kept them silent at the sight of their Duke swirling back and forth with a large ginger tabby cat chasing and leaping at the tiny chihuahua who clung to the dropped flap of His Grace’s pajamas by his teeth. One grabbed the cat and the other the dog while both tried to ignore the perfect dukely bottom on display.

Fili looked from the cat to the dog to the vacant space where Ruairí had been. Then he looked at the guards, “Take them both out, please, and close the doors.”

The guards were surprised the duke did not want his doggy shadow around. Fíli wasn't surprised when Ruairí did not reappear that night.


	6. Naked man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Fili forgive "Ruarí"? Will Alfrid and Gaston be stopped? Will the day be saved?  
> Find out in this final chapter of "Beauty and the tiny beast"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to anyone still reading this! Proper explanation why it took a teensy bit longer than expected at the bottom.  
> Secondly: This is the final chapter of the main story, but we got a bonus planned, hence there is a chapter 7 in the making :)

Alfrid skulked about the corridors. It had just been reported to him, that Duke Dimwit had kicked the little beast out of his bedroom.

In the grand scheme of thing, the dog was a mild nuisance. But a nuisance he was. He had tasked Gaston with having a drink with the guards and spreading the rumour that the reason the dog had been kicked out was that he had rabies.

Soon, there would be enough volunteers to chase that beast off. Maybe, just maybe, they would show mercy and send the monster back to the shelter from whence it came.

Gaston, he knew, felt more inclined to drown the thing in the river.

Meanwhile, the tiny little dog had made a little bed underneath a chaise longue, once he had escaped the guards. That had not quite gone as planned. Tomorrow he would turn into Ruairi again and murder that cat.

The cat seemed to have similar plans. Early in the morning, it found Kíli/Puds slumbering and pounced on him. The only thing that saved him from being mauled by a cat was that she had bumped her head in the small space and he managed to take off.

The ruckus had, however, alarmed Alfrid, Gaston, and the guards. Alfrid started screaming about a rabid dog and had most of the palace guard racing through the gardens and palace tripping over themselves in fear. Whether it was the disease or the tiny dog’s fury they were concerned about seemed unclear. Guards ran into each other in passages an at corners. So distracted by looking down for a creature less than a foot tall, they failed to look where they were going.

Standing on a balcony, Nori watched in horror as these supposed professionals looked more like Keystone Kops he had seen in an old movie. His brain suddenly supplied the Benny Hill theme and he just had to shake his head and walk away.

Seizing the opportunity, Puds slipped back into the palace and onto his favorite pillow behind the chaise in the audience chamber. He felt hidden but not safe. He was terrified. Was Fili still angry? Had he ruined everything? Was he stuck as a dog forever? If he could have cried with dog eyes, he would. Just as he almost achieved a puppy panic attack, he heard Fili’s voice.

Fili stood on the dais, not twenty feet away. His guards were lined up in front of him, swords drawn. Alfrid and Gaston were screaming like loons with lawyers and lackeys at their backs. Kíli couldn’t make sense of all the screaming, but he could see the distress on his beloved’s face.

“The Duke,” Alfrid stated, “is clearly unfit to reign. The man is not only obsessed with a filthy dog. And his only friend since his parents death, this Rooree, is imaginary.” He shook his head, convincing nobody that he was sad about this. “Alas …”

A calm, but piercing voice had them all stop. “It seems we came at an inopportune moment.”

Gandalf stood at the door, leaning on his staff and smirking. Behind him stood an impressive tross. The Lady Galadriel and Celeborn were carried in a chair, while Haldir, the former magistrate, was now leading the delegation and a row of liveried attendants followed them.

They would have been more impressive had it not been for the pitbull puppy jumping up and down next to Galadriel. Fíli immediately recognized Butchie, the overeager dog who protected the humans from the tiny Chihuhua’s rage back in Radagast’s shelter. As soon as Galadriel had stepped out of the chair, she was headbutted by the dog, who was now drooling on her sumptuous dress. Her husband and attendants all very obviously did not look, not even when a speck of drool landed on Celeborn’s cheek, when Butchie shook himself.

Fíli managed to keep a straight face and waited until she had approached.

“Godmother. How lovely to see you. Lord Celeborn. Master Gandalf. Were we expecting the pleasure of your visit?”

“No, my dear.” Galadriel smiled serenely at her godson, even while she gracefully crouched down to pat Butchie and calm him down. “I simply had a premonition -” and here she looked at Gandalf,” - that you might be in some kind of trouble. It appears I was right.”

“So you were. It seems my guardian and regent believes me unfit to rule and seeks to usurp Ered Luin for himself.”

A collective gasp stilled the room. All eyes turned to Alfrid.

A tiny blur flew through the room and leapt into Fili’s arms. The tiny dog shivered in fright which only made Fili more angry. He ignored Alfrid’s continued ravings, preferring to let Galadriel and Gandalf handle him for now.

“It’s okay, Ruairí, I figured it out. I’m not angry. We’ll make this work.” Fili told the chihuahua.

Kili/Puds stopped breathing, or forgot how, he wasn’t sure. He licked Fili’s cheek frantically. Trying to put all his love into it.

Fili smiled, “I love you, too,” and kissed him on his tiny doggie nose.

The flourish of a trumpet startled everyone. Which was a good thing because the assembly was staring at the doorway watching the Erebor entourage arrive instead of at Fili while he struggled to hold a suddenly transformed Ruairí. He was unprepared to be holding the full weight of a man taller than himself. Nori, never far from his Duke, rushed over to them and threw a jacket over Kíli.

The look on Dwalin’s face as he realized he was viewing Kili’s royal bottom on display in the main chamber was truly something to behold. Somewhere between outraged and constipated he tried to hold it in. Only Nori saw it and his eyebrows met his hairline at the sight.

Balin only saw the two royals canoodling on the dais and seized an opportunity, “May I present Prince Kilian Augustus Ruairí Emili, Dragon of Erebor, Duke of the Gray Mountains, Marquis of Framburg, Earl of the Withered Heath, Baron Ravenhill.”

Dori, who did not like to be outdone, bowed to both of them, and then boomed, “His Highness, Duke Filibert Frederick Guillaume Alastair of Ered Luin, Marquis of Mithlond, Earl of Lune, Baron Himling, is delighted to greet the Dragon of Erebor and his entourage.”

Haldir straightened, using his superior height to declare, “The Lady Galadriel, most graceful ruler of Lothlorien, is pleased to meet the Prince at last.”

Mustering as much dignity as he could, dressed in only a jacket that was slightly too tight around the shoulders, Kíli bowed.

“I am most sorry that circumstances forced me to forego my planned earlier visits both to the Lady Galadriel and Duke Filibert.”

Everyone looked at said Duke, who stood frozen to the spot. He had rarely looked more like Duke Dimwit.

Kíli ignored him for now and turned to Alfrid. “I am hardly imaginary,” he growled, “But I am very interested in that experimental strain of hemp you’ve got in the greenhouse. Very interested.”

“The experimental strain?” Fíli watched in confusion. “What …”

“The experimental strain,” Kíli said firmly and adjusted the belt of the jacket.

“A madman befriending a madman,” Alfrid scoffed. But this time, Nori stepped in.

“Hardly a madman. I have, indeed, also taken an interest in that experimental strain.”

“That is the bushy one with the stronger smell?” Fíli asked, not pleased to be left out of a conversation even if he had no idea why they were discussing hemp right now. 

“Indeed, your highness.” Nori bowed briefly. 

“Which he meant to smuggle to other countries. Like Erebor,” Kili added.

“It just so happens that certain experiments may not be quite legal,” Nori added. “If the Duke were to give us permission to have that experimental hemp tested at the university …”

“The Duke is mad!” Alfrid screamed. “Mad! And I will not give you permission to …”

Finally on firmer ground, Fíli stomped the ground, an action that made everyone stop. “You do have my permission, Nori.” He glared at Alfrid. “And before I am declared incompetent, you WILL have to convince the council. And convince them why it is madness to have your experiment tested by a third party.”

“A common scientific procedure,” Ori added, moved to add something even though he was even more lost than Fíli. “Also,” and here Ori crossed his arms and did his best to glare, “I’m the Duke’s best friend and I am not imaginary.”

“This is ludicrous,” Gaston boomed. “A man may surely …”

“A man surely had heard enough of you!” Fíli interrupted him, just to be spoken over by Alfrid.

“My son has a right to pursue ….”

Galadriel interrupted him.

“I had wondered why my dear friend left the dukedom in charge of Alfrid, when he had always talked about entrusting his dukedom and his son to Dori.”

“Perhaps somebody can fetch the papers again”, Celeborn said pleasantly. “You know, the ones Alfrid presented to make his claim to stewardship of this dukedom.”

Alfrid and Gaston paled.

“I am sure they are well kept,” Galadriel said, smiling angelically. Butchie was now off to examine the flower pots at the side, no doubt smelling his old buddy Mr. Puddles, so she straightened again. “We may finally give them the scrutiny we have neglected all those years ago.”

Nori appeared by his brother’s side and nudged him. Dori, spurred into action, made a grand gesture pointing to the entrance hall.

“If everyone would be pleased to gather in the dining hall, we will have refreshments ready in an instant. Nori, have those two taken into custody, would you?”

Alfrid and Gaston continued to shout, but no one was listening to them anymore. Nori’s men surrounded them and marched them off.

Ori was gently nudged from the outskirts of the group to the side of his best friend and finally took the hint, grasping Fíli’s arm and steering him towards the dining hall.

Nori was not the only one noticing that Kíli walked just behind them, stumbling over invisible obstacles as he contemplated the dukely derriere.

***

While Dori, Balin, Gandalf, Galadriel and Celeborn went to examine the papers that had shaped much of Fíli last couple of years, the Duke and the Prince sat at the huge table of the dining hall. Ori had, of course, gone to help Nori with the prisoners, so his friend could have some alone time with this handsome stranger.

“So.” Fíli looked up finally. “You’re not Ruairí.”

“I am.” Kíli grinned. “It’s just not my first name.”

“You know what I mean.” Fíli did not enjoy to be corrected while in mid-pout.

“Yes. I’m sorry.” Kíli did his best to look contrite and employ those puppy eyes. “I just did not know how to say ‘Hi, I’m the crown prince of Erebor, but I am also your bloody dog and oh, also, because my godfather is a lunatic, only you can see me as a man.’ That was just too too humiliating.”

Fili touched Kili’s cheek, happy to have him tangible. “Can we make this work?”

Kili leaned into him, “We’ll find a way.”

Lips only a breath away from their first proper kiss, Balin spoiled the moment, “Your Highness! As luck would have it, we are traveling with a trunk of your clothes. Please come with me so we can get you into something more,” he cleared his throat, “appropriate.”

Kili leaned his head against Fili’s forehead instead and sighed, “He’s worse than the cat.”

Fili sighed as he watched the royal rump disappear. Ori reappeared beside him to suggest he change into something nice for his boyfriend. He giggled ridiculously when he said it too.

***

It took some time until Ori was satisfied with Fili’s appearance in a stunning ensemble of softest white hemp embroidered with golden leaves and bees. The jacket extended below his knees, defining his waist and buttocks to perfection. His entrance drew gasps, mostly of appreciation, and interrupted the announcement of his own betrothal. One golden eyebrow arched as he glared first at Dori, the Balin, the Gandalf - the true culprit, he was sure. Not that Fili was against the idea, he just wanted to do the proposing and know that Ruairí, no Kili, accepted.

A pair of brown eyes above a form-fitting navy silk jacket with double breasted silver frog closures and matching silk slacks met his. He accepted. It was very clear.

Gandalf, always one to shape a tale to benefit himself, continued, explaining that the discussion of the betrothal had begun years ago and the unorthodox meeting had been designed to let the young men get to know each other without the burdens of crowns and politics interfering.

Kili seriously eyed Gandalf’s shoe.

In truth it had been only one passing conversation between Balin and Dori as they neared the bottom of a cask of ale. Would marrying Fili and Kili finally get their respective younger brothers together long enough to make honest men of each other and stop mooning about? Tittering like a pair of old grannies, Balin had actually fallen out of his chair laughing. Gandalf just happened to walk past at the right moment and overhear.

***

Toward the end of the evening, Fili and Kili called Nori over. Both knew he was key to their success and wanted to reward him. A bit of advice from both Balin and Dori had shaped their offer of reward.

While Kili struggled to maintain a straight face, Fili spoke softly, "Nori, thanks for all your help, as a reward, take the biggest guest suite, order lube on my expense, and lock yourself in with Dwalin for as long as you want.”

Nori’s eyebrows swept up into his hairline again, but he grinned and marched off toward Dwalin. He whispered something in Dwalin’s ear that made him give Kili an apoplectic look. But, he followed Nori.

Kili had Fili’s hand in his and was about to follow Nori’s example when Gandalf bellowed, “I’ve got it!”

They turned around to see him scurry off and return with Gaston and Alfrid. Kili recognized part of the incantation but before he could scream no, two goldfish lay flopping on the parquet floor.

“There,” Gandalf said, puffing himself up smugly, “That should do. Someone toss them in the fountain where they can’t cause anymore trouble.”

One of the guards barely beat the ginger menace to the fish. She followed him, meowing loudly the whole way.

Unconsciously, Kili made a face at the cat.

“You were jealous of a cat," Fili joked.

“No I was not."

"Yes you were! You were totally jealous of a cat!"

Kili produced an epic pout. Then he suddenly remembered that being a dog had prevented him from having a proper grand tour. His grand tour ended up being of a kennel and wherever Fili went. His pout became even more pathetic until Fili relented and promised him to take him on a tour himself - as a honeymoon.

Later that night, a naked man appeared in Duke Fili’s bed again. There was no screaming, manly or otherwise, only laughing - and kissing lots of kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be quick here:  
> As most of you know, Islandkate lost her son to an accident last October - he was an amazing young man and son who encouraged all his mother's crazy ideas and they loved going on nerdy adventures together.  
> Obviously, it took some time for her to get back into writing and the madness of this story. I personally think it speaks for her personal strength that she wrote this chapter just as funny as the ones before! (She is responsible for all the crazy fun bits, I am responsible for providing the boring structure).  
> So long story short, I would appreciate it if you could leave a hug for her in the comments if this story made you laugh at least once, not because I want to beg for comments but because she really deserves all the love:)  
> Or of course just write a normal comment!


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